So I have finally accepted that . . .

I have postpartum depression, and I'm getting help. I started Zoloft the other day and have a counseling appointment scheduled.

I don't know why it took me so long. I had it with Andrew too, and didn't really get help which was a shame. I finally saw a counselor about it when Andrew was about 7 months old and he chastised me that I should enjoy motherhood. Big help.

It has been getting worse lately (as it did with Andrew around 4 months) and I had a bit of a breakdown and panic attack the other evening so I knew it was time. I called my OB the next morning and got a prescription.

What does PPD do to me? Its not that I'm perpetually depressed, though I am to an extent. It makes me question my mothering skills constantly, (I have a running mantra of "I'm a terrible mommy" going on in my head) obsess over things (which you can probably tell if you read my other posts), and be really irritable. Poor Andrew and Steve bear the grunt of it -- I am often not a nice Mommy to Andrew and that is, in the end, what really drove me to get help. He's a great kid and I didn't want to ruin him. He deserves a nicer, saner Mommy than I have been. And Steve deserves a better wife. I have really unpleasant and irrational thoughts going through my head often, though thankfully none of hurting anyone, and none of suicide or anything.

So here's hoping the zoloft does me some good. They say it takes weeks before a change is really seen, hopefully it won't be too long.